Sunday, June 3, 2012

Divorce

Startling - back in 2011, a news report stated that Muslim couple gets divorced every 15 minutes in Malaysia. Divorce among Muslims makes up 82 percent of total divorce in Malaysia even though Muslims make up only 60 percent of the population.


It must be said, this post may be a year late to that report but it's always of concern. Lately I've been getting such grim news from some of my closest friends. 


Here I am asking how's life and the response I get is "actually,we're no longer together", "I'm divorced", "we're on a trial separation"; okay the last one was made up but essentially for a particular case that's what's happening - they just don't term it that way.


I must admit here,the main cause in all of the cases to which I have knowledge of is caused by the guy. As much as I believe that the failure of marriage is the failure of both husband and wife, but someone must have the lion share of the blame, and as far as I know from my acquaintances, the guys have that share.


My general feeling when I find out is, of course first of all surprised. Then I'll ask questions, lots and lots of questions. I just simply do not understand how things cannot work out when several months ago everything was okay - not to say all rosie after 4-5 years of marriage,but there was no indication that everything would go pear shaped.


Cases vary from having another woman in the man's life, lack of understanding, lack of faith, failure to communicate, differences in beliefs. Usually my lady friend would say they would like things to work out and is still hopeful. I don't know how much they should ride on that. Sometimes, it is better to move on.


So here's what I think, going into a marriage of course everyone is confident that they are solemnizing to the one. Yes, ideally you would like to believe that you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone whom you love (and will love you back) and that person is as close to perfect as any person you'll ever meet. That confidence is good, but don't be so naive so as to think that you'll never find a person who is more attractive, kinder, gentler, whatever, there's always someone out there who would be able to outdo your spouse in whatever category. That's just human nature, no one's perfect. Admit that and you'll rest easy knowing that you're with someone who is perfect for you and loves you.


But that doesn't solve anything. The other thing that must be strong, and this is a little bit of a cliche, is the fundamentals. To me, fundamentals are based on two basic things: communications and trust. You like someone, tell your spouse. Tell your spouse what you like about that person. In an ideal situation, your spouse would be understanding and would try to understand what you want. Face it, love is a feeling. Fondness to a person however is based on superficial factors like looks, character, attitude. None of which is ever consistent. But it does influence feelings.


You don't go into a marriage one day thinking you can stay the same forever as the day before solemnization, that's ridiculous. Living with another person is totally different. Feelings are volatile. But if you make your feelings known (communication) and you try not to judge (trust) then things can be worked out.


What can't be worked out however is beliefs. This is tricky. If you don't believe in the same thing, more than likely it will not work out. I'm not sure whether love is stronger than belief. I have no strong opinion on this.


I'm already into my 5th year of marriage and it obviously has its ups and downs. But one thing my wife and I always do is talk. 5 years isn't long, I know, there's that 7 year itch thing I've been hearing and which I'm looking forward to. Why? Because I do have confidence in my marriage and any hindrances, to me, is a lesson. If there's a breakdown somewhere it should be straightened out swiftly. I've given up trying to be perfect, What I will never give up doing is to consider the feelings of those around me and the impact it would have on everyone. I used to be very defensive, but I know it's wrong. When it's your fault, it's your fault. There's not a time when you're not at all to blame. None. Share the blame.


But divorce, it's tricky. There's no answer to a failed marriage. It just fails.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Getting rid of the rust...

Very rusty. Very rusty indeed. Haven't been writing in this here blog for almost a year now (last post June 18 2011,post Bersih 2.0). So where do I begin? Maybe I'll just post random thoughts on anything that I can think of.


Twitter; been doing a lot of tweeting lately. I guess I still have the urge to write but haven't got the time (or just lazy). The thing about twitter is, it's 140 characters. My rantings are usually long and at times structured, therefore there's still a gaping hole where my 'satisfaction level' is concerned. Anyhoo, In twitter there are several types of people. Those who think they're kingmakers, the IT (that's 'it' not 'Information Technology', damn you acronyms of the world) crowd who thinks very highly of themselves; those who post very random stuff, usually very friendly and this is  the group I like; the emotional youngsters who I find very set to their age group stereotype; and the rest who just tweet for the love of tweeting and connecting with people. Of course this list is not exhaustive but I find these four big groups to be more apparent than others.


Politics; Not much have changed. If you don't believe me, read my last ever post on Bersih 2.0 and everything said there applies to Bersih 3.0. The difference being I was actually at the rally this time and not blocked from entering KL like the last time. Election is very near and you can already feel the heat. Election itself hasn't been called but the campaigning has started. BN (in particular UMNO) is back to its usual thuggery after a relatively brief layoff, whilst PR now have to deal with a lot of things coming its way. A lot of them are set to face court time and of course the usual UMNO-PAS muzakarah, DAP trying to takeover Malaysia,non-Malay PM,sex scandals involving opposition leaders, etc. One issue that really stands out in my eyes is the Scorpene case but a lot of people give it a miss because it's not mainstream. Just let me state here: YOUR PM IS BEING MENTIONED IN A FRENCH COURT FOR HIS INVOLVEMENT IN AN INTERNATIONAL SCANDAL...OPEN YOUR EYES AND QUESTION WHAT'S NEEDED TO BE QUESTIONED. I'm not implying anything though. *not seditious, not seditious, not seditious*


Football; Euro is about to start. I'm supporting France because I'm 1/8 French (I'm lying). With Blanc I have more confidence in the team. I seriously hated Domenech; I thought he ruined the French team when most their star players were at their peak (Henry, Zidane, Thuram) and that's a pity. On the domestic front (not that I'm staying in England) Arsenal did well last season taking into consideration all the mess they created with the Fabregas/Nasri affair and not signing players early on. I've always had faith in Wenger, never doubted him and the team once. It's good that we had a very bumpy ride, at least we know that in the end, Arsenal is a team built on a very strong foundation and that no matter who plays for us,we're still a top team.


Sigh, I'm quite disappointed with my comeback entry. But, again rusty, very rusty.